Day of Tears & Day of Fears

I’m mustering up the motivation to blog, I can’t be a Facebook slave anymore.

Yes, you will spot my blogs appear, maybe something I’ve pinned or even a snapshot via Instagram …

As for Stati or Check-ins?! Blurgh – what’s the point????? Stearing clear for a while for what little sanity is left.

I’m just not feeling anything anymore, apart from lifeless, hopeless despair. I’m tired, worn out, there’s nothing for me… I hold my hands up in surrender ‘I CAN’T COPE

There, I said it….. Has it helped? Not at all, how do I feel? Bloody useless.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?! Yes I am & why shouldn’t I??? The epilepsy medication I’m on is nasty, it may help to control my seizures but it makes me feel lousy… Add that to day-to-day stress, lack of money, no job, general life & then put that on top of 3 children (1 High-Functioning ASD) I’m washed out.

I’ve nothing left for me, I was supposed to get ribbon for a cake today – didn’t happen, I forced myself to do the school run. I couldn’t even be bothered to sort out my phone… Think I’ll stick with the HTC a while longer now, it’s served me well so far!

No TV, no Gaming, tried Music – turned it off, Coffee not working today & neither is Chocolate. I’d watch a Disney movie but I’m likely to cry again…

All day long I’ve been crying on n off, I’m not ashamed to say – it could’ve been a lot worse, I’ve kept the very dark thoughts at bay.

I’m just tired of all the struggles life throws my way, surely we deserve a break now? Please???

I fear before much longer I will end up with a pink or purple huggy jacket & padded walls to bounce from – no I’m not mocking mental illness before anyone judges me, it’s like my ‘spazzy’ epi head!

I “DO” suffer therefore I’ll mock myself before anybody else can push me down further. My Cousin Chad wasn’t as strong & took his life at 24yrs. I hold on to this as I know what pain & devastation it caused, but it sometimes doesn’t stop the black clouds trying to creep in (especially now on these meds, look them up: Levetiracetam (Keppra)).

I fear for myself, I fear for my children & I fear for my husband… If I should go to the Dr’s where will we end up? Me either a) back to square one & no epi meds with seizures, b) taking so many meds for everything I rattle more than I already do & end up more of a zombie,  c) me being institutionalised & my children without a mother – what’s going to happen???

Now you may not agree with me blogging all this, but actually it’s a little therapeutic if you ask me… I’m getting it out rather than bottling it up – that’s got to help right?!

I believe it does, it’s almost 5pm & when I started to blog this I had not even the inclination to make dinner for the children (they’ve been playing nicely upstairs, so I’ve had a fairly peaceful time to reflect) – I can now rustle something edible up for them, it won’t be a fabulous feast but at least they’ll eat.

I think I’ll have a bowl of Muesli myself…..

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